Wednesday, December 03, 2008

the pursuit of happyness

There are days when i reach the hospital and all i think about is "What in the world am i doing here?" And the feeling gets worse either after a 'break' or whenever i'm oncall. i go through the day and i carry on to do the best i can with regards to work and all but i can't help but feel that... surely, there's more to life than this.

Hey, i'm human too bah. (notice the use of 'bah' that proves my assimilation into the community over here)

All i want is to be 'happy'.

Now, don't get me wrong. i've got a lot to thank God for. A lot.

And being in a relationship with Jesus has in itself built in me and birthed in me 'joy'.

And spending my life with my best friend (my wife) at my side and what more building a family with her has more than been a blessing and reward to me.

i've got a lot to be 'happy' about.

but still...
i just feel like 'breaking free' from what i do. i sometimes feel like maybe this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. Maybe... being a doctor is not for me.
And so i begin to ponder on what exactly my options are...

a) The military: A 'dream' of mine since awhile back which as it stands now is still pending to progress beyond it's current stage in it's processing
b) Full-time: Always been 'swimming around' in the back of my mind but honestly think it to be wrong to quit and go full-time based on the fact that i can't seem to 'cut' it in the 'world'. It's an insult to God don't you think?
c) God knows

And i guess i've got to go with option C.

The pursuit of 'happyness' can sometimes turn into a very self-seeking pursuit.
An indulgence.
And indulgences are something i can't afford.

Perhaps it is part of God's plan as i stick with whatever it is i'm doing, through all of it, to iron out things in my life. To build in me more character. More patience. More responsibility. More sense. More trust. More hope. More love.

Perhaps life is not always and all about what's fun and easy and 'happy' all the time and everytime.

Sure, if i had a billion dollars i might not be doing what i am doing right now.

But then again, maybe i would. Especially if it means it achieves whatever it is God is trying to mould in me.

Sometimes it boils down to choosing between having that 'better' life or becoming a better man.

And i choose the latter.

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