hmmmnnn...

i sat in for the child psychiatry clinic yesterday together with the visiting child psychiatrist...


it made me think...


a lot...


About children,
About parents,


about me...


*sigh*

now i strive to be as honest and transparent as i possibly can on my blog. But the fact of the matter is that you have no control over who reads what's written and what they may think or if they'll understand... and the possible consequences that may subsequently follow.

Trust me, i've had my share of terrible experiences (not pertaining to my blog per say... as yet... but definitely something similar) and maybe the 'sting' of those experiences have left me rather reluctant to say exactly what's on my mind and heart.

i'm obviously digressing... but i guess this is sort of a lengthy 'disclaimer' for some of what i may be saying here.
i'm just trying to be honest without the intention of hurting anyone per say or being vindictive or anything like that. Cos' that has never been my intention. i call it as i see it. That's it.

Now that i've cleared that up...

back to what i was getting at.

So ya, i was looking at all these kids coming in with their parents and considering all the problems they were facing.
How 'tough' it is and must be for not just the kids but also the parents to come to terms with the problems the child was facing and the whole host of issues that are directly and indirectly affected and associated as a result.

But amidst all that, what 'struck' me (for lack of a better word) was just how 'much' love permeated the lives of these families.

Now, of course everybody loves their children.
No matter what...

but then again, is that entirely true?

that's when i started to reflect upon my life.

Without going into much detail at all about my family background or what i've been through (i'm really not seeking any validation)... i started to consider my life and my family...
and to be honest, i almost broke down in tears.

i didn't have any physical disability growing up (well, discounting my colour vision deficiency of course... you know what i mean).
i didn't have any psychiatric illness or disorder when i was younger (not that i have one now, but since we're restricting ourselves to just the past...you get it).
i was pretty 'normal'.

In fact, to be frank (and as you can tell by now, i'm really striving to be)... i wasn't just 'normal'.
i did well.
i excelled.
Academically.
Artistically.
Athletically.

Now, i'm obviously not saying that as a result of all these things i or anyone for that matter deserves to be loved 'more'... similarly no child should be loved 'less' for any 'deficiencies' they may have or suffer from...
Love is 'supposed to be' unconditional.

and yet, despite all that, my parents...
well, let's just say that i grew up pretty alone.
Even now... i sort of am (i'll leave it at that).

it made me wonder...

*vinod remembers his past but thanks God all the more that He has healed and delivered him from it's hold... that now he can talk and consider these things without hurt or malice... but whole... and then he looks to the future that God has in store for him*

See, i'm going to be a father soon (thank God!), what would my hopes and dreams be for my children?

Honestly, all i would want for my kids and all that i would be so thankful to God for, is for them to be just healthy and happy.
Really.

Sure, i'm concerned and interested in them becoming all that that they want to be, can be and God wants them to be... but that's really more of an issue of their attitudes... not aptitudes.

Sure, i want them to be active and outgoing as much as they are able and capable of doing... but that's more of an issue of health and wholeness... not accolades and achievements.

And yes, i would love for them to explore and grow in whatever talents that God has bestowed upon them... but that's more of an issue of honouring God with what He has given... not pride and popularity.

i'll be the happiest, proudest and most thankful dad in the world (there's no comparing but you get the point) if my children at the end of the day or even everyday for that matter can say that they're happy... that they're loved... that they're cherished... that they're appreciated... just for who they are (not for what they can/can't do).

Yes, i have no control over what may come (God always knows best) but i do have control over my choices... my priorities... my responses.

And i pray that as a soon to be father and parent, i'll never forget to be thankful to God for my children, His gifts to me.

God give me the grace to have your heart... a true father's heart.
That i would love as You love and see my children as You see Yours.
Without condition.
Without favouritism...

and... never taking them for granted.

i pray whenever my children think about me or my wife and the life they have/had with us... they'll smile.

Show me how.